multi-masking

The signs are there, but I still refuse to heed it. I keep telling everyone that I’m okay with how things are, that this beautiful dream is over and I’m not really that sad because I think I’ve collected enough memories to last me a lifetime, but even though I am vocally pessimistic, in my heart burns a little flame of optimism that somehow, this is not yet the end. I know it’s time to wake up, the alarm is shrieking in my head but still, I cling to the fantasy and bury myself under the covers even more.

Self, wake up and smell the coffee.

If I were to have a multiple personality disorder attack right this minute, here’s how it will probably go:

The Whiner: Self, I curse thee and thy sedentary lifestyle.
The Biatch: Oh shut up and get over it, bitch!
The Martyr: Wtf is wrong with me? I know the solution, and yet I just can’t bring myself to do it.
The Biatch: Oh for Pete’s sake, quit bawling! As if crying will solve everything.
The Whiner: It’s not any of our fault, it’s because of the lifestyle!
The Biatch: I told you to shut up, didn’t I? Stop yapping, don’t blame the lifestyle! This was all self-inflicted.
The Martyr: She’s right, this was all self-inflicted. And I take full responsibility.

I adore Nina Dobrev, really, I do, but since I watched the most recent TVD episode, I officially started to hate Katherine Pierce.

And no, it’s not because she’s with Paul Wesley on two of the stills above (now, if it was Ian Somerhalder, I might feel a tad jealous, most especially because I think they’re dating in real life) — it’s because for a friggin’ vampire who’s been on the run for centuries, she actually has the luxury to maintain these beautiful perms.

Who do I need to kill to get ‘em? Jeez, I wonder…

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image credits: TVD Official Site

It’s mid-October, and I am hopelessly lost amidst the hustle and bustle. There’s just so much to do — words to utter, places to visit, people to see, tasks to finish, projects to start, feelings to acknowledge, problems to endure, heartaches to forget.

Oh yeah, I have a life to live…

I didn’t have the strength to take a picture, so I just googled this one.

Earlier tonight, Manie and I were looking for the perfect gift for a five-year-old girl, so we went to Pink Box at MOA. While skimming the clips on display, I notice that a bunch of them were branded “Bea” — yes, I noticed, but I wasn’t that affected.

Then Manie opted for an ID bracelet instead, so I went to the display counter to help her choose the trinkets. And there it was, all shiny and rhinestone-studded: BEATRICE. No kidding, everything was in all caps.

I was going to buy a necklace with this really cute B pendant — it had a tinge of Blair Waldorf, because it had a crown — but they ran out of B pendants. In all my years of impulsive shopping, I think this was the only time I totally regretted NOT buying something.

She would’ve been five last week or so. If she were here, I know I would be living differently. There would’ve been a lot of sacrifices made, but nevertheless, I’m sure I would be happy. We would be happy.

It pains me to think how she missed Shine’s awesome Angry Birds party. And each time I look at my Blackberry, no matter how much I love it, it still looks like it lacks something. Pictures of a smiling mother-and-daughter tandem. Pictures of a girl playfully teasing her niece. Pictures of a grandmother generously doting on her first grandchild.

It would probably feel good to come home to a cute child waiting on you with your slippers, ready to give you a sloppy kiss and the biggest bear hug imaginable. No matter how tired you are, you would still have the energy to watch her say her bedtime prayers right before sleeping peacefully. And when you wake up in the morning, you’d feel like the luckiest person in the world, because you know that God has entrusted one of His cherished angels under your care.

I really miss you, Bea.

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image credits: http://www.jscjewellery.co.uk

If there’s one valuable lesson I’ve learned from all my years of watching Korean dramas, it’s doing my best to hide my unrequited for love for someone all the way to the end. Within a wide range of scenarios, I have seen how professing your undying love could both potentially and actually be a burden to that person who holds the center of your universe.

It’s true how they say that the truth shall set you free. But each time I come close to pouring my heart out in a sincere confession, these two lines would always stop me cold. “I love you, but I’m not expecting anything in return.” No matter how unselfish I claim my emotions are, to some degree, I will always expect. “I love you, and now that I’ve finally told you how I really feel, I hope things will stay the same between us.” But can I really promise to be contented with how things are now that I’ve voiced out my feelings? And what if that person feels uncomfortable around me moving forward? Isn’t that a little bit selfish to ask them to keep things the way they are without giving them enough time to adjust?

Professing is for faith. Confessing is reserved for priests. Many times, I’ve had a lot of friends nagging me to take that big leap of faith but I chose to keep my lips sealed. I can still continue loving that person selflessly from a distance, without having to add to their already-long list of concerns and worries.

Yeah, it sounds too Daddy Long-Legs, I know.

I wanted to tell her the sacrifice is worth it — too bad she’s one of those people who somehow found me through a mutual Kpop friend or two and just added me up even if we haven’t interacted much/yet. I would’ve told her “Yes honey, it’s hard but it will pay off. Because that’s what I did, and although I’m not a student like you, things got better when I gave this up.”

Don’t get me wrong, I still want to consider myself a Kpop fan once in a while, even if my playlist is way outdated; Kpop still is sweet music to my ears, but the moment I kept things to a minimum, I rediscovered my life, reunited with my family and my closest non-Kpop friends, focused more on work, and had more time for myself. It’s really hard to elaborate without giving away too much, but I’m sure at least one person out there understands what I’m trying to say.

Bottomline is, in the past, I went overboard over my love for Kpop and it kind of screwed things for me a bit. I’m still smitten with Kpop, I won’t deny it, but I’m keeping myself in check.

Daniel came over to my station yesterday after seeing me burst into tears and asked me what happened. I remained silent and started wiping my face with my hand.

“O ito,” he said, handing me crumpled pieces of paper towels. I was about to accept them when I suddenly remembered him asking me to wipe the sweat off his back earlier that afternoon. True enough I saw him get two more paper towels under his shirt.

“Anak ng!!! Galing kaya ‘to sa likod mo!”

“Hee hee hee!”

I thought I had it under control. Guess I thought wrong.

It’s a lost cause… Even though I find out something bad about you each time, I’m still drawn to you more than ever.

I really need to quit you. As in REALLY quit you.